I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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