weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
