it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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