i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
