If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
