So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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