I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
