she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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