My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
