when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
