Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Panties = found
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