i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
