I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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