No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
