Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize