Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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