The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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