Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
