I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize