the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
