Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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