I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
