so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
