I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
