Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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