My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
How does one acquire holy water?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize