PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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