I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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