We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
