How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
