good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
