the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
