this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
