Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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