I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
