nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize