I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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