I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
