I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize