What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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