you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
