Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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