you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
