I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
