Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
