You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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