Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
