I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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