Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
