Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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