i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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