just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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