totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
How external is "for external use only"?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
