its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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