Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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