I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize