I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
