ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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