Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
