how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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