Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I want a musical about memes.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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