You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Plan B is the new Plan A
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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