Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
