so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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