I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
