My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
