Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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