I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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