you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
